i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Randomize
