I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
