sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
