he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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