Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
