so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize
