I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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