Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
