Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
