we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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