Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Randomize
