I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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