come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
