It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
