what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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