I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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