This is not my ceiling
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
