I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
