just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
