my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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