alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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