***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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