oh god the rape fog is back!
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
