I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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