Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
