i just sent this text using only my big toe
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
