saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
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