I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
