She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Randomize