Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
