got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Randomize
