its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
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