ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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