Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
