I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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