she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
