You're my little dorito
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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