Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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