there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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