it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
