textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
