Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
