The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
