Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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