Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
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