I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
