she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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