There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
