i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize