bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
