just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Oh god it's open bar.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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