I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
