Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
there is glitter all over my balls
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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