Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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