Where are you?
In a non slutty way
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
