hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Randomize
