Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Randomize
