I think my fart just growled at me.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
