I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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