I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
