Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
